


did you sail across the sun

by lhknox



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Drama, Eventual Romance, F/F, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-01-27 06:53:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12576164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lhknox/pseuds/lhknox
Summary: "Was it everything you wanted to find and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"Kara comes back to National City after disappearing for five years.Lena doesn't want to let her back into her life.





	1. she's back in the atmosphere

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the lyrics to train's drops of jupiter (the title is taken from the song lyrics)
> 
> listening to it may or may not make this fic just a little bit better
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoy!

Lena thrives on days like these. Days that start with a five-am run before back-to-back meetings and mountains of paperwork to get through. Days that end with a glass of wine on her balcony, looking over National City and its sleeping residents, with report numbers still running through her head. 

 

Lena likes days where she doesn’t have time to think about anything other than the work in front of her, where she doesn’t have to think about the empty apartment that waits for her at home. 

 

She’s not unhappy, not by any means. Lena takes great pride in the work she does at L Corp, pride in everything she’s achieved at the tender age of twenty-four. She saved a multibillion dollar company from collapse, graduated from MIT with a double-bachelors and a fast-tracked masters, plus she can solve a Rubix cube in less than a minute. Lena has so much to be proud of in her life. But on the days she doesn’t have enough to keep her mind busy, Lena thinks of her father and how she wishes he were still alive, she thinks of Lex rotting away in a prison cell, of her mother and the disappointment that always seems to radiate from her entire being. 

 

“I’m heading out, Ms. Luthor,” Jess calls from the doorway. Lena looks up from her desk and smiles. 

 

“Any big plans for your Friday night?” Lena asks.

 

“It’s my roommate’s birthday, so a group of us are going to Pacino’s for dinner,” Jess says, and Lena makes a mental note to call ahead and cover the group’s bill; she knows she doesn’t pay Jess enough to afford an entree at Pacino’s.

 

“That sounds lovely.”

 

“Anyway, I better get going. Goodnight, Ms. Luthor.”

 

“You too, Jess.” Jess shuts the door quietly behind her and Lena sighs. She walks to her bookshelf and pours herself a generous glass of whiskey, before heading out into the warm evening air. She stares down at the street below, and she watches as Jess greets her friends standing outside the building. She watches as a couple stroll hand in hand down the street. She watches as life gets lived around her as she stands by herself with nothing but her drink for company.

 

Lena’s life may be happy, but it’s in the quiet moments that loneliness creeps in and overwhelms her.

 

She deliberates - for a very quick second - calling her mother, but she can’t put up with Lillian’s hostility, not tonight of all nights. She wishes she could call Lex, or rather, the kind, thoughtful, and caring brother Lex used to be. Sooner or later, Lena’s nights always end up in the very same place: realising that she’s got nobody in this world, that it’s just her and her whiskey and a building filled with empty offices.

 

She lingers at the edge of the balcony peering down below. She doesn’t hear the soft ‘thud’ behind her. And for just one moment, she thinks she imagines the voice that speaks.

 

“Hi.”

 

Lena closes her eyes. She can feel her heart hammering in her chest, she can feel the way her throat constricts and her eyes water. In an instant, she’s eighteen again and stranded in her old treehouse, heartbroken and crying. She turns around and delivers what she knows is her best Luthor glare.

 

She almost breaks.

 

Kara Danvers stands between Lena and the door to her office, fidgeting nervously with her hands. In another lifetime, Lena would reach forward and hold Kara’s hands still, she would hold her tightly as Kara told her what anxieties were plaguing her, she would play with Kara’s hair as she lay with her head in her lap. But that was a lifetime ago. And this is now. 

 

“You look good, Lena,” Kara says softly. Lena wishes Kara didn’t look as good as she did, but like always, she looks like a goddess. Her hair is perfectly in place despite the fact it should be windswept, and Lena can pretty much see her abs through the shirt she’s wearing. But there’s something different about her, something Lena can’t quite put her finger on.

 

“I, uh, got back this morning; I know today is special. I wanted to come sooner but I know how busy you are.”

 

She waits a few moments for Lena’s reply, but it never comes.

 

“I’ve really missed you.”

 

“Nobody forced you to leave,” Lena says quietly, anger dripping from every word.

 

“You know I had to go, you know-” 

 

“You left. You left, and I didn’t hear a word from you in five years, and I don’t want to hear anything you have to say now.”

 

“I just--”

 

“You left,” Lena says again,  _ you left me _ .

 

“Please,” Kara pleads, “hear me out. Please.”

 

“Goodbye, Kara.”

 

Lena walks to the door, but Kara refuses to move, blocking her path. 

 

“You know I had to go. I hate that I had to leave you, but…. I needed to find out who I was, I needed to figure out who I was going to be. I had to do that. And I hope that one day soon you’ll be able to forgive me and accept me back into your life.”

 

Lena looks up, the green of her eyes finding the blue of Kara’s. Kara searches her face, desperate for a chance to be in Lena’s life once again.

 

“Get out of my way.”

 

“Lena--”

 

“Get out of my way,  _ now _ .” 

 

Kara steps aside and allows her to pass. Lena opens the door, refusing to look back at her old friend.

 

“Happy birthday, Lena,” she whispers, and Lena hears the ‘whoosh’ of Kara flying away.

 

The office feels colder as Lena sits behind her desk and buries her head in her hands. She had missed Kara every single day for five years, and now that she was back, Lena felt the control she had maintained over her life slip away so quickly. 

 

She refuses to let Kara back into her life, Kara who betrayed her all those years ago, who left Lena alone while she went on some self righteous journey. 

 

Lena yells in frustration, hurling her whiskey glass across the room and watching it smash against the wall. Angry tears fall silently down her cheeks and she vows softly to herself that Kara Danvers will not ruin all that she has become. 

 

///

 

It hits her when she’s back in her apartment, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. 

 

She knows what’s changed in Kara. 

 

It’s the wisdom in her eyes, the self assurance and odd calm that had never been there when they were kids.

 

Lena rolls over and turns off her bedside lamp, praying to a god she doesn’t believe in that her dreams will be free of Kara.

 

Across town, Kara lies on her sister’s couch, staring at the fan that revolves lazily above her, sleep evading her. As she lies in the quiet darkness, she makes a promise to herself.

 

She’ll make things right with Lena, no matter what it takes.


	2. did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It’s not fair, that after all this time, Lena still feels like a lovesick teenager pining after her best friend."
> 
> lena deals with kara's return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been eight months but at least it's done amirite. ive felt guilty every time i listened to drops of jupiter but i finally managed to wrangle this together. there is mayhaps the possibility of an epilogue bc it feels like it ends on a sort of vague-ish note but also dont hold me to that lol
> 
> enjoy!

_But tell me did you sail across the sun_

  
_Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded_

  
_And that heaven is overrated?_

 

_Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star_

  
_One without a permanent scar_

  
_And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?_

 

///

 

Lena always knew Kara was special.

 

The air was unseasonably cold the morning they first met, and the unrelenting rain of the past few days meant that Midvale Beach was empty of the usual tanners and surfers that had set up camp for the summer.

 

Lena didn’t mind the rain, though; it made for better waves. Lex had been the one who taught her how to surf, the summer after she had arrived at Luthor Manor. Most parents would probably be worried about four year olds learning how to surf, but Lillian hadn’t batted an eyelid, and Lionel had remained in Gotham whilst the rest of the family visited one of their summer homes in Midvale. Lena felt at home in the waves, much more than she did under Lillian’s glare. In the water she was free, weightless, part of something so much bigger than herself. And on her board, she was fearless. On the board she was so much braver than she ever was on dry land, she felt a carelessness she couldn’t muster when she was in that giant mansion.

 

And that carelessness led her straight to Kara.

 

Lena was having a terrible summer so far. For the first time, Lex hadn’t come to Midvale from college, instead opting to take an internship at their father’s company. For the first time in a long time, Lena felt the loneliness Lillian so often told her she deserved. So she sought comfort where she knew she’d find it: in the water.

 

She realised, way too late, that maybe surfing in what was turning into something like a hurricane was a bad idea.

 

The water is choppy and uncontrollable, pushing Lena’s head under and barely letting her come up for air. She clings to her board for dear life, hoping that maybe if she holds on long enough she’ll be okay. Waves crash against her body, and she feels herself tiring way too quickly. 

 

Maybe, Lena thinks, this isn’t the worst way to go: in her favorite town in the world, doing her favorite thing, on her thirteenth birthday no less. She stops struggling. As she closes her eyes, she thinks she imagines an angel, with eyes bluer than humanly possible.

 

And then, she feels the hard sand against her back and harsh beach wind nip at her skin and she splutters, coughing up ocean water. The angel kneels over her, concern etched into its features, and it mutters a small ‘thank gods’ when it realises Lena is alive.

 

But Lena thinks she might be dead, because the angel is the most beautiful person she’s ever seen, with light hair flying in the wind and eyes that look as though they’ve seen millenia. She’s about Lena’s age, thirteen or so, and she’s exquisite.

 

“Surfing today was a stupid idea, y’know,” the girl tells Lena. “You could’ve died.”

 

“You went in after me,” Lena croaks, “that was also stupid.”

 

“I… I’m a good swimmer,” the girl says. She hesitates before holding out her hand. “I’m Kara.”

 

“Lena,” she answers, shaking Kara’s hand. She sits up slowly. 

 

“You must be one of those rich summer house people; I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around here before.”

 

Lena laughs at the accuracy. “So you’re a local?”

 

“Sort of,” Kara replies. “I live here now, but I’m from somewhere else.”

 

Lena wants to ask where she’s from. Hell, she wants to know everything about the creature in front of her, all blue eyes and sandy hair. Lena can feel her heart crashing against her ribcage, and she knows that Kara is the cause.

 

“I should be getting back,” Kara says. “Eliza will be wondering where I am.”

 

“Eliza?”

 

“My adoptive mom. I’ve lived with her since I was, like, two.”

 

“I…” Lena’s voice catches in her throat as Lillian’s runs through her head.  _ The locals aren’t your friends, do not treat them as such. Regular people aren’t your friends. Nobody actually cares about you, they just want to see what they can get out of befriending a Luthor.  _

 

And then, for the first time in her life, Lena ignores the little Lillian that constantly nags her.

 

Lena takes a deep breath. “I’m adopted, too,” she whispers.

 

“That’s awesome!” Kara replies. “Well, not  _ awesome _ , I just mean it’s cool,  _ no _ , like--” Lena smiles softly as Kara trips over her words.

 

“Do you wanna hang out?” Lena asks, sounding a lot more brave than she currently feels. “Maybe tomorrow? Or some other time during the summer?”

 

“Yeah,” Kara grins, “that sounds fun. Do you wanna come over for dinner tomorrow night?

 

///

 

The air is damp in that post storm sort of way, water still lingering in the atmosphere and adding humidity to an already unbearably hot summer.

 

The Danvers household sit on their back deck, desperate for a cool ocean breeze that won’t come any time soon. In their midst sits Lena, back as straight as can be, eyes nervously trained on her plate. Kara sits on one side, and a surly Alex on the other.

 

“So,” Jeremiah asks with a friendly smile, “how did you met Kara?”

 

“Oh, uh-”

 

“We met on the beach a few days ago and went surfing together.”

 

Alex narrows her eyes. “But you broke your board three weeks ago.”

 

“And Lena let me borrow a spare one,” Kara responds too easily, glaring at Alex. Lena doesn’t know what to make of their dynamic, pushing each other’s buttons and an air of dislike between them. She wonders if that’s how normal siblings behave, and if her’s and Lex’s camaraderie is rare. 

 

She thinks Mrs Danvers detects her discomfort, because she asks, “Do you have any siblings, Lena?”

 

“I have a brother,” she tells them, “but he’s a lot older than me.”

 

“Do you guys get along, or do you fight like a cat and mouse like these two? Jeremiah asks jokingly.

 

“More like cat and pig,” Alex mumbles under her breath.

 

“More like cat and shut the fuck up,” Kara replies. 

 

“Kara,” Jeremiah warns.

 

“My brother and I get along rather well,” Lena says, trying to diffuse the situation. “Like two peas in a pod.”

 

“Well isn’t that nice, siblings that get along,” Eliza says pointedly to the girls.

 

“My mother can be very strict, though” she continues, “she expects me to be perfect all the time, and Lex reminds her that I’m allowed to make mistakes, that we all are.” She doesn’t know why she’s sharing so much, maybe it’s because she doesn’t want them to think she’s a snob from a perfect family. Or maybe, it’s been so long since she’s had someone to confide in she’s just doing it openly to a table full of strangers now. She’s not sure if she imagines a small smile Alex throws her way, or the look in Kara’s eye that she can’t quite place.

 

“He sounds like a good man,” Jeremiah says warmly.

 

She becomes a regular fixture at the Danvers residence after that first dinner. She had a certain knack for diffusing fights between Alex and Kara, and Jeremiah and Eliza treated her better than her own mother ever did. By the end of the summer, she felt as though she had found her people, and she knew she’d be counting down until the next summer when she could see Kara and her family once more.

 

The next summer she returns and her and Kara become even closer than before. Being around Kara, Lena feels as though for the first time she can truly be the version of herself she’s meant to be, not the version her mother wants of her. Being around Kara makes her feel brave and funny and young. Being around Kara makes her feel normal.

 

But the summer after that, everything changes.

 

Only two days into her vacation she’s awoken by sirens and lots of banging and her mother  _ yelling _ . Her door is thrown open moments later and a man in a suit tells her to get out of bed and put some clothes on. She’s confused and she’s scared and for a second there, she feels like she’s four years old again, about to be torn from her childhood home and taken to Luthor Manor.

 

The man won’t tell her what’s going on, despite her repeated asking, and he only leaves once she gets out of bed and starts getting dressed. Her mother appears moments later.

 

“Your brother’s been arrested,” she says, her voice too calm despite her flustered demeanour, despite the yelling Lena heard earlier. Lena feels her body go numb, her mind blank. “They’re raiding the house for evidence.”

 

“Why was he arrested?” Lena asks, her voice gravelly from sleep. 

 

“Because the president is a fool, and the public bought Superman’s little act.”

 

Lena knows it has something to do with alien rights that her mother’s been grumbling about for the past however many months. She doesn’t think aliens are as evil as her mother says, but she also knows her brother. He’s kind and generous and wouldn’t hurt a fly; there’s no way he’d do something bad enough to get arrested.

 

Lillian hands her a wad of cash - way too much for a fifteen year old.

 

“It would be best if you stayed away from the house today, didn’t get in the way. Go keep yourself occupied.” Lena grabs her wallet and her backpack and the phone her mom bought in case of emergencies and makes her way passed the legion of agents downstairs.

 

Once she’s far enough away from the house, she counts the money her mother gave her. 

 

Five thousand dollars.

 

She thinks she and Kara will be able to have an okay day.

 

But when Kara opens the Danvers’ door, when she sees the fear and sadness on her face, when she sees the disdain etched into Alex’s features, she knows that her last name outweighs anything else about her. It’s the only thing they can see, the Luthor heritage she never asked for, about to destroy a friendship Lena doesn’t think she can live without.

 

Eliza comes to the door, and tells her it’s not a good time. Jeremiah’s been sent away on business and they need be together, alone, as a family. Lena thinks, or maybe she hopes, that she sees some sort of remorse in Eliza’s eyes, an unvoiced apology for turning Lena away.

 

With a sinking feeling, Lena says goodbye to the Danvers, unsure of when she’d get to see them again, unsure of how she was supposed to survive without Kara in her life. She feels so much older than her fifteen years, weariness in her bones and much too much heartache for someone so young. 

 

She decides to spend the day on her surfboard, hoping that maybe the waves can cleanse her of the sadness that seeps through her, hoping that maybe she’ll get tired enough to forget the pain of Lex’s indiscretions. 

 

Dusk falls over the quiet beach, and Lena sits on the sand staring out over the water. Her thoughts move too fast for her to follow, bouncing from Lex to her mother to Kara and back again.

 

“Is this seat taken?” Lena looks up and feels her breath catch as she sees Kara standing there. She shakes her head, and the hairs on her arm stand tall as Kara sits beside her.

 

For a moment, they sit in almost silence and it’s just them and the gentle roar of the ocean waves. For a moment, Kara rests her hand atop of Lena’s. And for a moment, Lena lets the feelings she’s been suppressing bubble to the surface.

 

She likes Kara. 

 

She likes her so much, so completely, she can’t remember what it was like before she knew Kara, before she felt like this. 

 

She likes her in the way she sees in movies and on television. It’s as though one day she woke up, and every love song, every poem, every semblance of love that has ever existed in the universe, reminded her of Kara Danvers.

 

She thinks she’s falling in love, and quite frankly, she’s terrified of the urgency of her feelings, of the way they so completely overwhelm her, and of the fact that she never wants them to stop.

 

“I’m sorry about this morning,” Kara says softly, and Lena doesn’t look at her, not yet. She doesn’t think she could handle seeing the guilt in Kara’s eyes.

 

“It’s alright,” Lena replies, but not even she believes it. 

 

“It… Eliza doesn’t want me to see you anymore.”

 

“Is it because of Lex?”

 

“Of course not!”

 

Lena laughs humorlessly. “You’ve always been a terrible liar.”

 

“It’s not… entirely to do with him?”

 

“I get it, they don’t want you associated with a Luthor.”

 

“That’s not it,” Kara says softly. “They just… we’re pro alien.”

 

“As much as I love Lex, I don’t agree with everything he and my mother think. I’m also pro-alien.”

 

Kara pulls Lena around to face her.

 

“Can I tell you something I haven’t told anybody outside of my family?”

 

“You can tell me anything,” Lena tells her. 

 

“Well, you know that the Danvers adopted me when I was two.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Kara struggles to find the words, and Lena can tell. She starts and stops a couple of times and finally Lena squeezes her hand and tries to tell her without any words that it’s gonna be okay and that she can trust Lena with anything.

 

“My parents died, but it wasn’t just them who died. It was my nation, my culture, absolutely everything.”

 

Lena wracks her brain, trying to think of some sort of mass genocide in the past thirteen years that would’ve affected Kara.

 

“I’m not sure I follow,” she says carefully.

 

“My planet was destroyed,” Kara confesses, and Lena feels faint. “I was sent to Earth in a capsule. My cousin was sent, too, but he was older. His name is Kal El. He’s… He’s Superman.”

 

There it is. 

 

“I’m an alien,” Kara whispers. Lena tries to school her emotions, masking her surprise with a stellar poker face. Her best friend is an alien, a direct target of her family’s active campaigning. She doesn’t know what to think. Kara - kind, beautiful, lovely Kara - harbouring such a huge secret, hiding a history of pain and loss and sadness. Kara, her best friend, whom she loves, no matter what.

 

“It makes sense,” Lena says, and Kara’s surprised.

 

“It does?”

 

“No human could be as extraordinary as you are, Kara.”

 

“You can’t tell anybody-”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“- and you probably can’t hang out at my place -”

 

“We can surf.”

 

“- and Alex is gonna pretend to hate you but she secretly still cares about you-”

 

“Kara. Everything’s gonna be fine. We’re gonna be fine.”

 

Kara’s hugging her and Lena feels her heart burst and she’s happy to hide her face in Kara’s soft blonde hair because for that moment she thinks that maybe everything will be fine, that they’ll be okay.

 

For a while they are. 

 

Kara tells Lena of the culture she lost, as told to her by Kal El. She tells Lena how she wishes she could know more, how she hates not really knowing where she came from. Lena understands the feeling; sometimes she wonders how she ended up with Lillian Luthor as a mother, how she ended up with a brother in jail. Kara talks a lot and Lena listens and all the while she promises herself that she’s going to be better than what came before her. She’s going to take the name that hangs like the albatross around her neck and she’s going to turn it into something meaningful and good.

 

Jeremiah dies the day before Lena’s scheduled to leave for school.

 

It’s sudden and there’s a lot being left unsaid by the Danvers family and Lena wishes she knew how to comfort Kara properly but she doesn’t know this kind of grief. She was young when her birth mother died and she doesn’t remember how it feels to lose someone like that. 

 

And it’s strange, too, to feel mournful over a man she barely knew. Lena had basically lived at the Danvers house for the past two summers, but for much of that time, Jeremiah was away from work. She does, however, remember his kind smile and the love with which he looked at his family. 

 

She texts Kara, knowing that Eliza and Alex wouldn’t appreciate her presence during their mourning. 

 

_ I wish I didn’t have to leave you. _

 

Lena doesn’t expect to see Kara before she leaves, but it’s close to midnight when she receives a reply

 

_ meet me on ur roof x _

 

By the time Lena makes it up there, Kara’s sitting under the stars and Lena doesn’t need superpowers to hear the soft weeping coming from her. Without a word, she settles down beside Kara and puts an arm around her, wishing she could absorb some of the pain just so Kara wouldn’t have to feel it.

 

“I… I miss my dad,” Kara says, her voice breaking. “I miss him.”

 

“I know, baby. I know.”

 

They sit like that, wrapped in the other’s embrace, until the sun dawns with a new day and bathes them in early morning warmth. 

 

///

 

Summers come and go, followed by autumns and goodbyes that Lena never looks forward to. It becomes harder, with each passing year, saying goodbye to Kara with whom she fell more in love in every passing moment, saying goodbye to the version of herself she likes the most.

 

When she graduates from high school, she feels free. No more returning to Metropolis every September, no more boarding school filled with people she detested.

 

Just her and Kara (and Alex) at Stanford.

 

For once in her life, Lena is excited for what the future has in store. With Kara by her side at Stanford, she won’t be reduced to her last name yet again. She’ll have her best friend by her side.

 

She loses everything one week into vacation.

 

The air is warm and the moon hangs high above them. Kara and Lena had spent the entire night at a small carnival along the shoreline, enchanted by the bright lights and brighter atmosphere. Kara even flew them home, something she hadn’t done in ages.

 

They sit on Lena’s roof and watch the sun rise and Lena feels such peace she can’t even recall a moment where she didn’t feel as content.

 

“I’ve never felt this free,” Lena says. The sun peeks over the horizon and the sky is filled with the soft pink of a new day. “You. Me. Nothing standing between us and college and the rest of our lives.”

 

“Lena?”

 

“Yeah, Kara?”

 

“You’re my best friend.”

 

It fills Lena with a bittersweet feeling, as it does whenever she hears Kara say it. Kara’s her best friend, too, but. But. 

 

Lena’s not sure anybody’s ever felt like this before. The way she loves Kara, it feels important and special and so wholly between the two of them. She remembers, there was a point where every love song sounded as though it were written about Kara. And then there was a time when no love song could encapsulate the things Lena felt for her. Loving Kara felt as though her DNA were being rewritten every time they locked eyes. It felt as though nothing other than Kara tethered Lena to this earth. It felt as though every step, every action, every tiny thing Lena did, she did it with the knowledge that Kara completely and totally owned her heart. 

 

Maybe she should tell Kara how she feels. 

 

Being friends with Kara has taught Lena that being brave can be good for you, that being open and honest isn’t something that should be taken for granted.

 

And suddenly telling Kara seems like the most obvious thing in the world. She needs to tell her, she needs to get the information off her chest and tell her best friend that she captures her heart like no other being. She needs to tell Kara that she’s in love with her.

 

“Kara, I-”

 

“I’m not going to Stanford.”

 

It’s as though time stands still.

 

“What?” Her voice feels impossibly small. Her chest aches and she’s not sure why just yet.

 

“I’m… I’m going to space.”

 

“You’re. Going to space.”

 

Kara looks at Lena, her eyes shining with tears. 

 

_ You don’t get to be sad,  _ Lena thinks.  _ You’re the one doing this to me. _

 

“I’ve been Kara Danvers for so long. But. There’s a whole universe out there, with information about my home planet, maybe with other survivors, who knows. All I know is that I’ve already found out everything there is to know about Krypton on earth, and I need more.”

 

“You’re just, leaving? That’s it? What about college, or- or-”  _ What about me? _

 

“There’s a man, J’onn J’onzz. He worked with Dad and he has a ship he said I can use, to find the remains of Krypton, and to travel anywhere else I might want to. Places that might know more about Krypton. More about me.”

 

“But. You’re Kara Danvers. That’s who you are. Why do you need more than that?”

 

“Because I  _ am _ more than that. I’m the last daughter of Krypton, and I can’t even speak Kryptonese. I’ve spent an entire life on this planet, never really belonging.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“It is. And now I’m, what? Supposed to use my powers to save this world? Become someone like my cousin? I don’t know how to be a beacon of, of hope or whatever because I-”

 

“You what? Kara, you’re the best person I know. You’re smart and you’re compassionate and your heart is so big I’m surprised it even fits in your chest sometimes.” Lena places a hand over Kara’s heart. She feels the steady rhythm as it beats in her chest. This is who Kara is, steady and reliable and full of heart. “You’re Kara. You’re  _ you _ . I don’t see how you could possibly think that isn’t enough.”

 

“I need to do this, Lena. Please understand.”

 

“I... “

 

There’s so much she wants to say, but in the end, it all boils down to this: 

 

_ Why aren’t I enough for you? _

 

“What does your family think of all this?” Lena asks quietly.

 

“They… they don’t like it. But they understand.”

 

Suddenly, Lena faces a future without Kara in it. Going to college without Kara by her side, living and breathing and existing without Kara Danvers even being on earth.

 

“When will you come back?” she asks.

 

“As soon as I can,” Kara promises. “Loads of people take a gap year. It’ll probably be like that.”

 

Kara leans over, and kisses Lena’s temple. Lena wipes away the tears that fall down her cheeks.

 

“Bye, Lena.”

 

Kara stands up and she flies away into the early morning sky.

 

“I love you,” Lena whispers.

 

She’s not sure if Kara hears it with her super hearing or not. All she knows is that Kara doesn’t look back. Lena watches as she disappears. And then she lets herself cry.

 

She sits there for a long time, but it doesn’t feel like it. At some point, when the sun hangs high above her, she hears the doorbell chime from inside the big house.

 

It takes her a while to get to the front door and open it, but when she does, she’s surprised to see Alex standing there, looking uncomfortable.

 

“Uh… hi.”

 

“She’s gone,” Alex says. It’s the first time Alex has spoken to her since Lex went to prison and Lena sort of wants to shut the door in her face. But she sees the pain in Alex’s eyes - the pain she’s sure Alex sees in her - and she just pushes the door back.

 

“Come in.”

 

///

 

_ Five years later _

 

///

 

“You’re ignoring my calls.”

 

Alex walks into the office without knocking. It’s not new, per se, but Lena’s not in the mood to deal with her today.

 

“You didn’t give me any warning,” Lena counters, without looking up from her laptop.

 

“I was just as surprised as you were when she showed up, believe me.”

 

“But let me guess, you welcomed her with open arms and now she’s sleeping on your couch.”

 

Alex rolls her eyes. “She’s my sister, what else am I supposed to do?”

 

Lena looks up. She closes her laptop with a bit too much force. “Be angry. Seething. Like you have been for the past five fucking years.”

 

After Kara had left, Alex and Lena had become close. Alex was the only person Lena knew at Stanford and they both missed Kara immensely and they quickly became best friends. Neither could replace Kara in the other’s life, but there was a mutual respect and admiration that lived between the two of them, that had bloomed into friendship over the past five years. 

 

“To be honest with you, Lena, I was just excited to see her. I can’t afford to be mad at her, she’s my sister.”

 

Lena stands and walks to the few bottles set up on the side mantle of her office. It’s early in the day, but god, surely this warrants a drink. She pours herself a generous finger of whiskey. She downs it.

 

“Did you come here to tell me to forgive her? To play nice and pretend like she didn’t just fuck off for five years and not come back once, not send a single sign or message or whatever the fuck? Pretend like I didn’t go through some of the hardest years of my life without my best friend by my side?”

 

“You’re allowed to be angry with her,” Alex says softly. “But just… Don’t block out the possibility of letting her back in. It’s easy to be angry, but forgiveness is a lot more rewarding.”

 

“Good to see the therapy I got you for Chanukah is working out.”

 

Alex laughs. “You got what you paid for.”

 

“A self-aware Alex Danvers. Terrifying.”

 

“I’m serious, Lena. You don’t have to do anything right away. But I know how much you missed her. And I just want the best for you. I love you, you know.”

 

Lena rolls her eyes and pretends to wretch. “Okay. Get out. Enough. No more therapy for you. You’re too evolved.”

 

Alex laughs again, heading toward the door. “Thursday night dinner is still on. Maggie’s making lasagna.”

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

Lena sighs once Alex is gone, massaging her temples with her palms.

 

It isn’t fair, she thinks, that Kara can come waltzing back into their lives after all this time, that Alex has to forgive her and they can go back to pretending that nothing happened. 

 

It’s not fair that Lena’s immediate reaction to seeing Kara was wanting to hold her again, to hug her and never let go.

 

It’s not fair, that after all this time, Lena still feels like a lovesick teenager pining after her best friend.

 

///

 

Lena remembers the last time she was this nervous before knocking on Alex’s door. It was freshman year and she liked a girl in her chemistry class and even though she’d known for years that she was a lesbian, telling Alex felt big and daunting.

 

Of course, to Lena’s relief, Alex had hugged her, told her everything would be fine, and gave her advice on talking to her lab partner. They both felt Kara go unmentioned, looming above them like she always did. 

 

And now Lena stands at Alex’s door and she just can’t bring herself to knock, her mind in overdrive trying to assess and predict the situation. 

 

Suddenly, the door swings open and Kara’s standing there, slightly breathless.

 

“I thought I could hear your heartbeat,” she says.

 

“Pardon me?”

 

“Your… nevermind. I saw you through the door,” Kara says. Lena had forgotten how useful - and annoying - Kara’s abilities could be.

 

“I’m glad you came,” Kara tells her.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Lena enters the familiar apartment, grateful for the wine Maggie immediately hands her. 

 

“It’s been a hot minute, Luthor,” she says. 

 

Lena smiles. “Who’s fault is that? You’ve been out of town.”

 

“Semantics.”

 

She chats with Maggie about her recent work trip and she helps set the table and it feels almost normal. Except she can feel Kara’s stare track her every move around the apartment, and every so often they catch eyes and Lena has to look away because looking into Kara’s eyes - even from a distance - feels so different to what it used to be. Before it meant comfort. Looking into Kara’s blue eyes was like coming home, familiar and warm. 

 

Finally, when they sit down to the lasagna, Kara musters the courage to speak.

 

“So I read you’re running Luthor Corp.”

 

“It’s L Corp now.”

 

“That’s really great, Lena.”

 

“Thank you.” It’s forced and it feels weird to talk to Kara like this, but she can’t bring herself to say any more. 

 

“And are you seeing anyone? At the moment? Dating?”

 

Alex chokes on her sip of wine and Maggie rolls her eyes because clearly lacking subtlety is a Danvers trait. But anger courses through Lena, searing her veins.

 

“Are you really gonna ask me that?” she says softly.

 

“What’s wrong with asking that?” Kara asks innocently. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

 

Lena laughs humorlessly. “Oh, now we’re friends? Friends don’t up and leave for five years without a word. Friends don’t abandon the people they care about.”

 

“I’m sorry that leaving hurt you so much, Lena, like I’ve already told you. But I’m not sorry I left.”

 

“You were always selfish, you know that Kara? Everything was always about you. There was no room for Alex, I was always replaceable, it was always the Kara Danvers show.” She sees the fire in Kara’s eyes flare. 

 

“Selfish? Lena, you of all people should understand why I went. I wanted to learn about my family! I wanted to know where I came from! Did you ever find out anything about your birth mother, or were you too scared to search for something that proved you were anything less than a Luthor?”

 

“Oh fuck you, Kara. You think you’re so wise because you went off galavanting around space? Meanwhile here on earth there are people dying and a world that needs saving and that’s what I’m doing, I’m saving people. So don’t pretend like you have any sort of moral, enlightened high ground. I make a difference in this world. I matter. You’re just a memory from the past, someone we  _ used _ to know.”

 

“If I don’t matter, then why the fuck do you care so much? Why are you so angry?”

 

“Because I loved you!” Lena screams. “I was in love with you and you left me because I wasn’t enough. I loved you and I said it on that roof and I know you heard me say it. You were my best friend and I loved you and you left. I get to be angry.”

 

Lena throws her napkin onto the table and stands up. “Thank you for dinner, Alex, Maggie.” She walks to the door and she slams it shut behind her. She gets in the elevator, and presses the ground floor button, waiting for the doors to close.

 

And right before they do, Kara slips into the elevator. The doors shut. They start moving. Kara pulls the emergency stop and they jolt.

 

“What are you doing?” Lena says. She doesn’t sound angry anymore, she sounds tired and defeated. 

 

“I found my mom alive. On a small asteroid planet. I lived there and I learned as much as I could. But I knew I had to leave. I knew I had to come back.”

 

“I’m so tired, Kara,” Lena whispers. “Of hating you. It’s tiring.”

 

“I’ll never stop regretting how much I hurt you. I always... I just wanted to be good enough for you, Lena. I wanted to be a person you deserved to be friends with. And I came back because I missed the people I left behind. I missed you, Lena.”

 

“It isn’t fair,” Lena says, her eyes filling with tears. “I want to be mad at you.”

 

“You can be. And when you’re ready to forgive me, I’ll be waiting. As long as it takes, I’ll be here. And I’ll finally be able to do this.”

 

She leans down slowly, giving Lena time to pull away. But she can’t. Slowly, they come together, and Kara kisses her softly and surely. Her hands find Lena’s waist and Lena’s hands tangle in her hair and Lena feels like her skin is on fire.

 

Finally they pull apart and Lena’s breath is shaky and she doesn’t know what to say. Silently, Kara presses the emergency stop button and they start moving again. And when the doors open, Lena steps out and she just looks at Kara - smiling, sweet Kara - until they close again.

 

Lena knows things will never be the same. But she hopes - god, she hopes - that this newness between them, planted in ancient histories and broken hearts and what ifs, can blossom and grow into something great.

 

///

 

_ But tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet _

_  
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day _

_  
And head back to the milky way _

_  
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind _

_  
Was it everything you wanted to find _

_  
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there _

**Author's Note:**

> for now i'll put it down for two chapters but it may turn into three who knows ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> catch me over at [murdershegoat](murdershegoat.tumblr.com) on tumblr


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